Just a warning and an apology up front. I HATE MS!! HATE IT!! It’s all I can think about. It has consumed me. It fills every thought every day and every night. MS SUCKS!! I have no hobbies anymore because this has become my hobby. Every new muscle twitch or every new tingle makes me wonder if it’s going to be a flare up. I feel like a walking time bomb waiting to go off in the form of an exacerbation or an episode. I can’t stand it!! I’m constantly wondering if I ate the wrong thing or if I got too stressed or am I taking the right supplements. It’s making me crazy. I can’t enjoy life because this is my life. It pisses me off that this is my new life. It pisses me off that I have to be my own doctor, that I have to do the research to find out what’s good for me and what’s bad. Every ‘MS Diet’ claims to be the one that can put this in ‘remission’ to get rid of my lesions, and they are all different. So WTF? Which one?? Going out to eat is a joke. Yea, there are things on the menu that I can have but still, really, grilled fish and veggies, always. BORING! God this sucks. I love food, I love to try new food. I enjoy food, and now?? Veggies all the time, UGH! Yea, I like veggies but ALL THE TIME???
It’s a constant battle to be positive, to stay optimistic, to be open to this new way of being. It in itself is stressful. It’s stressful to constantly fight this battle. What’s really stressful is reading what other people are going through and wondering how much longer before that happens to me. What day will I wake up and not be able to walk or not be able see? What will my future hold? There’s no cause and no cure, so I don’t know if what I’m doing will even help. I know that I have to try everything I can that might work. And I will. I will keep trying and I will stay positive and I will fight this stupid, ugly, mean, disease. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it!!