It’s been a little over a year since my life changed. And I’m okay, wasn’t sure I would be but I am. And when I say okay, I mean, just okay. Not great, I don’t think I will ever be great again. When I forget that I have this stupid thing and I feel normal and no symptoms are jumping at me screaming “YOU HAVE MS” then I might pretend I’m great. Then something reminds me that I do have it and I’m not who I used to be, then I’m just okay again.
It’s hard to remember that this is not happening just to me but to everyone around me who knows. Everyone is affected and I want to be sensitive to them and not put all my negative thoughts on them. There are times when I want to scream and run away and punch something because I’m angry. Then I’m like “seriously, where are you going to run away too?” Nothing can make it go away, I could drown my sorrows in a bottle but what good would that do? When I sobered up it would still be here. So the best thing for me to do is to just fight it head on and keep doing my best. When you see me and I act a little crazy just know it’s because I am. I have this constant war raging in my head that wants to be sad, mad, pissed-off and strong, logical and calm. That’s why I call myself a warrior, I’m in a constant battle to fight this thing, mentally and physically.
A year later and all I can say is that this is just like a roller coaster, up and down, that’s the only thing that is predictable about MS. Then again, isn’t that true about life for everyone? I have a few sayings that help me, one is, ‘Everyone has something’ and ‘It is what it is’ but this is definitely my new favorite ‘Embrace the Suck!!‘ When life or a situation sucks, embrace it and let it motivate you to excel. For all my sounding really negative – sorry about that – things have changed for the better. Like losing weight, getting in shape thanks to an extreme workout Krav Maga class, and trying to reduce stress – key word – trying. That’s the toughest one for me.
It does help knowing that everyone has a battle they are fighting, we are not alone in that. We are all warriors, fighting the hard fight. Take care everyone and keep fighting, it’s worth it, we are worth it.